High tollerance

One of the experiences sensory defensive kids have is that they don't like being touched. I can understand now that much of Firstborn's ticklishness when he was young was probably oversensitivity to touch. The tickling can be very organizing because it is deep pressure. The thought of tickling can be very overwhelming to a touch sensitive child, but the act of tickling is usually pure enjoyment.

Firstborn doesn't like much touch sensation. He sleeps in his boxer shorts because he doesn't like the feeling of pajama pants on his legs. The stiff fabric of denim is OK to him though. Many touch sensitive kids only like cotton knit with no binding elastics or chafing tags. Another area of struggle has always been the change of seasons. Moving from long sleeves to short would leave him feeling odd. At two, he would pull on his short sleeves trying to make them touch the place he had become accustomed to them touching. Each fall, he would cry and try to pull the sleeves up. I scratched my head over this reaction until someone pointed out his other SI symptoms.

As an infant, Firstborn was never a cuddler. In fact, a firm proponent of the family bed, it took me a while to figure out, he was not a proponent of the family bed. In fact, he couldn't sleep with all that warmth and touching. When I finally caved and put him in his own crib because I was so tired from the lack of sleep, he slept through the night for the first time. He quit nursing at 9 months in favor of the mobility of a bottle. He just didn't want to cuddle to drink.

He was totally happy being separate from me.

Until Lastborn came along.

Lastborn is the complete opposite on the touch sensitivity scale. In fact, Lastborn craves touch and requires it for his happiness. He required constant proximity to me even in the heat of summer. He required almost constant nursing. To this day, he still must cuddle with me periodically to be happy.

This made Firstborn jealous. So he began to cuddle with me. Well, that's what it looks like on the surface. But where Lastborn melts his body into mine and positions his head perfectly into my underarm, Firstborn sits rigidly by me requiring a firm grip, but never really relaxing. I don't initiate cuddling with Firstborn. I allow him to initiate. And whenever he does, I interrupt what I am doing and comply. It's important for him to know that it's his choice and not mine; that he's OK even if his style is different from his brother's.

Finally to the point of this post. Lastborn has taken it upon himself to seek cuddling from Firstborn. Can you see where this is going? The very touch defensive being touched by the very touch seeking. And not just touched. Lastborn likes to wrap himself around Firsborn in an inseparable knot, sort of like those metal genius puzzles that you must untangle without disconnecting the pieces.

We have many pictures of Lastborn draped across Firstborn's body while Firstborn plays a video game. Firstborn rarely complains unless some body part gets pinched or crushed. I always thought this was just Lastborn's attempt to keep an eye on what Firstborn was up to. It all started before Lastborn was allowed to play a Gameboy.

But this morning, I found them all knotted up reading books. Obviously, Firstborn had settled himself on the couch first. Then Lastborn had picked up his book and insinuated himself onto Firstborn. Lastborn likes to sit in very bizarre positions. He likes to be in close physical contact.

I imagine that this whole thing is very hard on Firstborn. I'm very proud of his lack of complaint. This is probably very good grooming or Firstborn's future married life.

An SI kid and a drum set

Ever seen that commercial where the kid gathers items from around the house and sets up a drum set using boxes and lids to cookpots?

We had the similar event take place at our home, but instead of a 4 or 5 year-old, it was 10 year old Firstborn. You see, he has dreams of starting a boy band. He is very interested in the fame and money; especially the money part.

He has surmised that all good rock bands have a good drummer. So he went about the task of building a drum set. Gathering boxes of toys and round flat objects to use as the drum heads. Having seen the commercial (I think it is a PBS piece on using your creativity), I fetched my two metal cookpot lids from the cabinet and handed them to Firstborn.

You may think me crazy for this move, but you see, I know my son. While the kid in the PBS commercial made quite the racket with his cookpot lid drum set, I knew my sensory defensive son would do no such thing.

Instead he rapped gently on the lid with his long piece of K'nex. Then he jumped about 2 feet off his stool and landed on his back on the floor. He kept at it but at a very slow and measured pace. You could see the poor boy was extremely upset by the racket made by the pan lids. His whole body was tense. He seemed ready to jump back from the set with every thud. At least he had the sense to know that drums are loud. He didn't complain to me. He just kept on with his soft racket. Making as little noise with his set as he could muster.

So then the engineer in him took over. He assigned a letter value to each drum head and started notating how he wanted his little brother to play the songs they would feature in their "set." A-B-B-A-A-B-C-A. And so on. His piano teacher would be proud.

So if your sensory defensive kid wants to build a drum set out of pan lids, don't worry. If your seeker wants to do the same, build a soundproof room, because you will go crazy.

The give and take

Living day to day with a DSI kid, abnormal things become normal. It's when I'm with other kids firstborn's age that I begin to see where he is different. Last night at Webelos was just such an experience.

The boys were making leather slides for their neckerchiefs. I think that's what they call them, though it probably isn't the proper manly name.

The slides contained pre-punched holes along each long side. The boys were to lace a leather strip through the holes in a cross over pattern. This they did easily because the holes were large enough. The problem came when they had to restring the last two holes to secure the lacing. The soft leather lacing fit tightly into the holes because a lace already passe through them. So I offered to help out with my trusty bead crochet needle.

I sat down with the first three boys. Each would sit across the table from me and pull on the lace already occupying the hole while I used my needle to push the end of the other lace through the hole. This would tighten the lace that was in the hole opening the hole to a larger size and thinning out the lace that was in the hole a bit. Once I got the end through, the boy would pull it the rest of the way and we would work on the other lace. Each time the boy sitting across from me would pull the lace firmly enough to open the hole a bit but not hard enough to pull the whole aparatus out of my hand. It took them seconds to find the right tension, and they never actually pulled the item out of my hand. Though sometimes they would lose interest, and I would have to remind them to pull.

Then Firstborn sat across from me. I explained the process and handed him a lace to pull. First, he seemed to not pull at all. I asked him to pull a bit harder and he pulled the slider out of my hand. I looked up thinking he was goofing off. He looked surprised at this strength. I took a deep breath and explained that he needed to pull it tight, but not out of my hand. It took him a few minutes of concentration before he could get the tension right. Even then, I had to keep reminding him.

Interesting experience.

Then he asked me how to whistle on the way home.

An SI kid toasting marshmallows

Yes, fire is hot. Yes, smoke is uncomfortable when it gets into your eyes. But if your a sensory defensive, toasting smores is unbearable.

For most kids the promise of a sweet gooey treat at the end of the journey is enough to get them to hold that stick near the flames even if their hand gets hot. For an SI kid, the feeling of their hand becoming warm while the rest of their body remains cool in the fall evening air is hard to reconcile and a feeling that may create panic.

I watched as firstborn was trying to toast his marshmallows. He would tend to move closer to the other kids sometimes putting himself into a perilous position as he balanced as close to them as he could while holding his marshmallow stick over the flames. He would pull it out before it could even get hot and then try again. He never found a comfortable position to await the browning of his treat. While the other boys delighted in their sugary fires while their marshmallows turned black under the blue flames, First born could never get near enough to even brown his.

When the fire became smoky, he would run away. I tried to show him that if he turns his head away, he can breath and it won't get in his eyes, but so many of his reactions are instinctive and difficult to reason through.

On a positive note, he reacted very well to the homeowner's poodle; hardly noticed she was there.

Almost there

Well, Firstborn almost has it! He's almost riding that bike. Here's what is working:

For the past week, I have been participating in an online conference on OGTOC, called "Teaching the Cheetah how to Hunt." You can search for OGTOC in yahoogroups.

One of the topics of conversation is why some gifted kids seem resistant to learning. Gee. I wonder why I see this as pertaining to Firstborn and the bike? In her discussion of self-determination, Aimee Yermish, the conference "speaker" defined the following three requirements for motivation:
Autonomy
Relatedness
Competence

From that discussion we went on to discuss that feeling of flow, when everything seems to be working right and you are just challenged enough in your task to keep you interest so well that you seem to lose all perception of time and self consciousness. Certainly, riding a bike can create a feeling of flow for many children. Possibly, one of the first times in their life when they will feel like they have it all together, their in control, they're enjoying themselves and they're challenged just a bit.

And one of the factors listed when describing the aspect of competence is ones feeling of self-confidence.

A thought began to brew in my head. Certainly, Firstborn has not been on this earth long enough to have collected much data to prove that he can learn. Not in his mind, because so much of his learning has been automatic learning. Even with his listening difficulties, he's still a sponge. Now he is being faced with the task of learning something that is clearly out of his domain of strength. It requires skills of proprioception and movement ideation. If it were a visual memory task, he would feel confident. If it were number manipulation, he would still feel like he could do it though his motivation would be slightly lower because he's received so much feedback that he is weak in that area. He seems painfully aware that people are weak in areas and he seems to fear that he's the weakest in all areas.

So, anyway. I decided today to concentrate less on the mechanics of riding a bike and more on the confidence. It may take him months to do this and if he doesn't believe, he will never stick with it long enough.

So we talked a while about how much more comfortable riding a bike is if you know how to do it. It may seem uncomfortable now, but that's just because he's working it out now. Evidence= the boys in the neighborhood who ride around looking like they love it.

We talked about how if he believes he can't do it, he will be right. That's the only outcome of believing in your own failure. You can be scared of failure and still come through it. But if you believe in your own failure, you leave no room for success.

We also faced up to the skinned knee thing. I admit. This is my thing. I hated skinning my knees. I am well aware that despite Firstborn's seeming klutziness (and he really isn't), he has had precious few skinned knees. I admitted to him that he will probably fall and hurt himself, but the chance of broken bones was pretty slim and our work on controlled falls would ensure that he could get through it pretty unscathed. I just had to face up to my fears and let go. Then I felt a bit guilty for protecting him so much and what developmental touchpoints will he be missing from those pristine knees. Not that I will sneak around pushing him down so he can have these experiences, but I do need to back off.

So we returned to the open parking lot and began the drills again. I was very excited to see that Firstborn remembered:

Push off hard.
Start with the push off pedal up.
Keep your supporting leg away from the down pedal so you don't get clonked in the calf.
When the bike tilts too far to the left, drop your left foot.
Pedal backward to break.

See, this is why I would never call Firstborn a klutz. He needs to have movement broken down for him the first time and he will be stiff if he is not feeling confident, but he doesn't forget a movement. I taught him controlled falls last summer and we didn't repeat them till last week, but he remembered how to apply them.

Today, I explained to him why stiff arms will lead to crashing. He needs to keep loose and steer.
I also explained how after he pushes with the push-off foot, the force will pull the bike to that side of balance. Once he puts his trailing foot on the pedal and pushes it, the bike will come back to center and then go past center a bit until he pushes the first foot again. I suggested he trust his balance for just a second more than he was comfortable trusting it.

With a force of will, that fully characterizes Firstborn when he is truly motivated to accomplish something, he powered through these ideas and within 15 minutes, he was actually moving about 6 rotations before losing balance. I still think he was getting to a point where his mind said, "wait! I'm actually doing this! I can't really be doing this! I will fall!" and then he would.

The funniest part was when we started, before I explained that he had a bit of room each side of balance that he could play with. He would push off, then find the second pedal (still a bit of a stretch for him), but then he was so certain that the bike would fall that he would slam the second foot down--but backwards--thus forcing the bike to a sudden and jarring halt. Not expecting this result, he would then think he could never do this and become more nervous. That's why I gave him the physics lecture.

More tomorrow. Maybe a video of him flying on his bike.

It's like riding a bike.

Really. This riding a bike thing is such a representation of his whole life. It was painful to watch our session today.

The good:
He seems to remember how to catch himself when the bike starts to tip.
He does remember how to pedal though I would not compare his skills even to those of a typical 5 year old on a three-wheeler.

The bad: He still keeps his supporting leg very close to the bike causing it to get bonked by the pedal when he pushes off.
He still does not use the handlebars for balance AT ALL.
His push off is very weak and not enough to get him going fast enough.
He can't seem to find the pedal with his push off foot once he gets started. This causes him to lose momentum and lose balance.
He toes out drastically causing his heel to get caught on the frame of the bike with every revolution.

20 minutes is enough to tire him out. He is very discouraged and thinks bike riding is hard and boring. I wish I could let him feel how bike riding feels when it all comes together.

Week 6

Just completed week 6 which completes the speech and language spectrum. Still not seeing much, but seeing a lot. He still talks very quietly. Almost too quietly. Even around other kids, he seems very quiet.

This is very hard to measure as I know he is also very tired from being in camp from 9-5 every day.

Tonight we had a meltdown. He spent the afternoon playing with a friend. The friend was here yesterday and they were at the other house today. He stayed for dinner. He has never had dinner at someone else's house without me. So this was a great milestone. But the day turned out to be less than he had anticipated. The friend is ADD and off his meds for the summer. Apparently he was not very nice. This was hard on Firstborn.

Then he was surprised by the fact that he got home within 5 minutes of bedtime. He decided to postpone bedtime by refusing to brush his teeth. Mom is not having that. So he cried at the top of his lungs. Once he calmed, I tried to lay out the choices again. He screamed again. He calmed again. I reiterated that no action goes without a consequence and that every minute he took putting off brushing was a minute off his bedtime tomorrow night. He screamed and brushed his teeth.

The intensity of this breakdown is much higher than any of his previous breakdowns. He is also very tired. He is a child who needs sleep. When he was three and I left the workplace, he would have tantrums like this daily until I decided to put him back on a two nap a day schedule. He would sleep 2 hours in the morning and 2-3 hours in the afternoon and still be ready for bed by 7:30 at night. But once the new schedule was started, he was so nice to be around. Too bad I can't go back to two naps a day. Maybe if I take two naps a day, I can get through.

Week 4

OK. So I skipped a few. Shoot me.

Overall, things are very uneventful though. We are not having the crying of last year at all. I also am spending so little time with him that I can't say if any improvements have been seen. Sigh. The life of a full time working mother.

The CDs for the past two weeks were working on the sensory integration spectrum. So we should have been seeing less of the fingernail clipping behavior of a previous post. We should also be seeing more comfort with touching, hearing, smelling, etc. I can't tell you if any of this is going on because he spends 8 hours a day with someone else and only 4 awake hours with me. Most of those hours are rushing through tasks to get him out of the house on time or get him to bed on time.

What I have seen is that he is very tired at the end of his days. Too tired. But camp is very busy. He is also somewhat oppositional. He thinks that having an attitude shows that he is grown up. Reports from camp also label him as a bit uncooperative. We have talked to them about his fear of looking bad and his inability to understand verbal directions. So hopefully, he will improve there.

He has been doing lots of reading. He was picking up piano very quickly this spring, but we had to drop lessons because we can't get him home from camp in time. So we will begin those again in the fall.

He is also getting much more serious about Karate now that he is preparing for his black belt test. We have seen lots of improvement in his ability to move. He still seems stiff, but he's making progress.

The bike? Maybe we will actually get him on the bike again this summer.